永远委屈着

雙魚其實脾氣很不好
但是雙魚願意委屈著

雙魚希望自己堅強點
至少在別人面前可以瀟灑點

雙魚希望自己不愛哭
因為不哭的話就不會過意不去

雙魚希望自己放鬆點
所以常常一副瘋子的樣子不讓人看穿

control?

lately i have been
unwell
but is it really a sickness?
how can a sickness feel so right?


well,
i don't eat.

i don't eat because i don't like my body and i don't like the way it looks.
i don't eat because there's no one to eat with and i don't like eating alone.
i don't eat because
i don't want to eat.

and i feel fine. i feel great, accomplished, like i am in charge of my own body and my own life, because i have control of something for once in my life, and truthfully

i have control over nothing else.

一个两个发神经

世界不是为了你们而转的

第一，
你每次都说想念他
可是做得出他100%不会赞成的事
拥有的不会珍惜
整天就不知足过活
想被人家看得起 被人看不起时讲他们不了解
不想被人看不起 被看得起时却会觉得很压力
因为自己心情不好就把全世界的人当成垃圾
硬硬要把自己搞到越来越糟糕 却拿别的理由来覆盖
你到底几时要长大？

第二，
你每次说很烦
可是坚持要照你的方式去做
自己想要的却不要说出来
到最后 没有做就讲到别人很没用很不自动很不负责人
到最后 做了也会被批评这个不好那个不好什么都不好
你到底想怎样？过去几个月我为了你而做的都是废的？
请不要因为他很完美就把责任全部推在我身上！
你到底几时要醒悟？

一个两个
我不懂你们要什么
我还是自己过自己的生活好了

透明

有时虽然知道你不是故意的
可是想到我那么没有存在感
我真的很伤心。。。

 

?

take a walk.

am i the only want who always wants
more more more more more?
i want more freedom
i want more time
i want i want i want

but stupid girl, the world is not a wish granting factory.

in a way, there's absolutely nothing more i should want from my life
and yet, there is something
empty
like a gaping hole
a void
black and neverending
that's just there
and i just don't seem to be able to fill it

i want to be perfect
i want to be the smartest and the prettiest and the kindest
but i am neither and it makes me sick
i want i want i want

but stupid girl, the world is not a wish granting factory.


and then, i want to have
fun?
i want to be so gone from this world i can't remember my own name
i want to be in control and not be in control
controlling my uncontrollability?
i want to forget that i am not perfect
and for a short moment
i want to be okay with it.

but stupid girl,

the world is not a wish granting factory.

so i should stop wanting for things that i cannot have.

能不能？

雙魚座很自卑很多時不敢去要求別人 只好逼著自己走

然而當事情達不到自己想象的完美時 自虐癥便開始發作 向自身發泄情緒

她情商其實不高 復原能力慢 固執 很喜歡鉆問題空子 所以總是把自己逼在死胡同

人無完人 變數很多 地球不是為了自己而轉

別總是把事情看得那麽重 能不能愛自己多一點?

secrets

How long more do I have to carry this knowledge with me before it becomes a burden?

其实？

其实我承认 我真的很情绪化
太敏感 太任性 太骄傲

其实 他们并没有说过你的不好
他们一直说我的不好而已

其实我很爱我的家庭 他们也很爱我
只是他们爱的方式 是在为了我的‘好’着想 而不是为了我的快乐着想

其实，我并没有离开他们的世界
该做的我都会做 该说的我都会说 只是我不小心混了一点进另一个世界 而我从来没有后悔过。

其实 我真的很羡慕他的家庭
不管怎样都那么恩爱 当然会很羡慕很羡慕

其实。。。。。。
我只想要有多点自由
只想要好好过自己的生活
不需要那么多人来插手
到最后，我的快乐在我自己的手中
如果我做错了 我只会怪自己 我不会怪任何人
所以
求求你们
放手
好吗？

i'm just a little bit caught in the middle

Is it really such a crime to be part of two worlds?
I had thought that in this day and age, class and status had little relevance in our choices.


"... And I discovered that my castles stand
Upon pillars of salt, pillars of sand."

plot it out in black and white

It is with great pleasure that I welcome all my currently nonexistent readers to this blog, created simply because

1) I felt guilty flooding facebook with my constant contemplative lack of cheer
2) thus I felt I needed to unleash that flood with more privacy.

I shall not lock this blog but I shall not be promoting it either - so to anyone of my acquaintance reading this, I congratulate you and also pity you on being someone considerably important in my life.

To conclude, I would like to reiterate that this blog has no other purpose than to act as a toxic wasteland for my inner self - it will be kept simple and might be boring, but I swear that everything written here will be true reflections of my thoughts and feelings at the time.

That is all for now, but it is with great hope that I will attempt to type more here and less at FB in the near future.

Cheers.